The heart knows: Lessons from emotional intelligence (EQ)

Tags: trauma, healing, relationships, vulnerability, emotional intelligence, connection, personal growth

Listen with your eyes – the full episode transcript

Kine:

Welcome back to Alveskog – Voices of the Soul.

We promised that we would bring you insigths from the episodes where we have had guests, so that i’s exactly what we will try to do with this episode.

In our last episode, we talked about vulnerability — how letting ourselves be seen can become a doorway to strength.

Today, we want to go deeper into what vulnerability looks like in relationships — between partners, families, and people who truly try to meet each other.

To help us explore this, we’ve drawn on a heartfelt conversation we recently had with Thomas Myrseth, who is currently studying psychology and also trained as an EQ therapist*.*

Paal:

Right. And for those hearing about EQ for the first time, it stands for Emotional Intelligence — growing the capacity to recognize and regulate your own feelings, read others with empathy, and build safe, honest relationships. In Norway, the EQ Institute (EQ-instituttet) in Skøyen, Oslo offers training that emphasizes warmth, non-judgment, and practical, trauma-aware tools. In this episode we refer to personal experiences from that education — for example, the training room set-up (a circle of chairs with a tissue box in the middle) and the simple opening prompt, “How is it to be you today?”

Kine:

Emotional intelligence is about developing awareness of your own emotions and of others’ emotions — and learning how to respond from the heart instead of reacting from fear or defense.

As Thomas explained it, emotional intelligence is the ability to see from the heart.

Kine:

In our talk with him, Thomas described what an EQ training session actually feels like.

When he first walked into the EQ Institute — where the education takes place — he saw a circle of twenty chairs and, in the middle, a box of tissues.

That was his first sign of what was to come.

He said, “I realized pretty quickly that this was a place where both talking and crying were part of the process.”

Paal:

I loved that image.

It’s such a simple picture, but it says everything: a circle that represents equality, and tissues that remind you this is a safe place to feel.

It’s a space where you can finally answer the question that opens every session — “How is it to be you today?”

Kine:

Thomas said that at first, his whole body would tense up when he heard that question.

He could feel the old protective shields rising — the habits that once helped him survive.

But over time, he learned that those shields weren’t the enemy.

They were signs that something inside him wanted to be seen.

Paal:

That felt so familiar.

Those shields — or masks — are things we all carry.

They can say, “Don’t go too deep,” or “Keep control,” or “Don’t let anyone see how you really feel.”

And like Thomas reminded us, they usually began as something wise — a way to protect ourselves when we didn’t feel safe.

But when we never take them off, even with the ones we love, we lose real connection.

Kine:

Thomas also talked about what happens when difficult experiences from childhood don’t get processed.

He said that emotions we couldn’t handle back then often stay in the body as what he called “unfinished experiences.”

It’s the body’s way of holding what was too big for us to deal with alone.

Paal:

And that connects so beautifully with attachment theory — the idea that how we were met as children shapes how we connect as adults.

Thomas said, “The way you were met in your first six years often mirrors how you meet yourself and others later in life.”

Kine:

Yes.

And he referred to Gabor Maté, who explains trauma so clearly:

If something painful happened and no one was there to help you talk about it, that’s the root of trauma.

It’s not just the event — it’s the loneliness around it.

Paal:

That hit me deeply.

I could see how my own body still reacts that way — how my throat literally closes when I want to express something vulnerable.

It’s like my body says, “This wasn’t safe before, don’t go there.”

Kine:

Thomas said that in EQ therapy, the goal isn’t to analyze or fix, but to recreate the safety that was missing back then.

The therapist’s job is to hold space so that the body finally feels safe enough to express what it once had to suppress — whether that’s tears, trembling, shaking, or even anger that never had a voice.

Paal:

And that process can look intense, but it’s deeply healing.

He said, “Every unhealed experience carries a hope of being met.”

That’s such a beautiful way of saying it.

Kine:

We could both relate to that.

During one of Paal’s therapy sessions, I was allowed to sit in the room as an observer.

And when his vulnerability really came out, it triggered something strong in me.

I remember my first reaction was a nervous laugh — like my body was saying, “I don’t know what to do with this.”

Then I realized what was happening.

All my old ideas of what a “man” should be came flooding in — the beliefs I didn’t even know I still carried.

For a second, I felt uncomfortable watching him cry.

But the next moment, I saw something much deeper: how much trust it takes to be that raw in front of someone.

And that changed everything.

I saw his strength in a completely new way.

Paal:

That’s one of the biggest fears for men, I think — the fear of becoming “less” in the eyes of your partner if you show emotion.

But when we allow that wall to fall, it doesn’t weaken the relationship — it deepens it.

Kine:

Yes, it does.

But it can be uncomfortable, especially at first.

Thomas said that for many men, vulnerability feels dangerous because it touches all the old messages they received about strength and control.

And for many women, seeing that vulnerability can also bring up their own fears — especially if they were taught that men are supposed to be the strong, steady ones.

Paal:

We also talked about conflict — and how often, when tension rises, it’s not two adults arguing, but two hurt inner children trying to protect themselves.

That’s when we say things we don’t mean, or shut down completely.

Kine:

Thomas talked about the importance of what he calls “adult choices.”

He said, “When the wounded child in me gets triggered, it reacts. But when the adult in me wakes up, I can choose to stop, breathe, and understand.”

That’s what EQ calls the shift from reactivity to responsiveness.

Reactivity listens to defend; responsiveness listens to understand.

And sometimes that means pausing — taking a moment to let the storm pass before we talk.

Paal:

He and his partner even have a rule: when it gets too heated, they pause until both have calmed down.

Then they come back and ask, “What did that really touch in me? What did it touch in you?”

That’s a beautiful practice — and something we’ve started using ourselves.

Kine:

Another important point he made was about asking for help.

He said that sometimes couples need a safe third person in the room — not because they’ve failed, but because they care enough to get support.

That person can hold the space when emotions get too intense, so partners can just focus on being present with what’s true.

Paal:

That really resonated with me, especially since in my own therapy, having a therapist hold space for my anger and grief meant that you, Kine, didn’t have to absorb it.

You could witness instead of carry it — and that changed everything.

Kine:

We also talked about what this means for parenting.

Thomas said something that stayed with me:

“When we learn to meet ourselves, we learn to meet our children differently.”

If we dare to show them that we, too, have feelings — and that those feelings are safe — we give them a completely different foundation.

They learn that vulnerability doesn’t mean weakness, it means honesty.

Paal:

That’s such a shift from how many of us grew up — being told to go to our room if we were angry or upset.

Now we can do it differently.

We can show our kids that emotions are part of being human.

Kine:

At the end of our conversation, Thomas spoke about ego — and I loved his perspective.

He said that the ego is like a loyal guard dog, protecting all the truths we’ve collected about who we are and how the world works.

It’s not bad; it’s just scared of change.

So when we start doing emotional work, ego often says, “Don’t do this, it’s uncomfortable, it’s not you.”

But he explained that this resistance is a sign we’re getting close to something important.

The task isn’t to fight the ego, but to thank it — and still move forward.

Paal:

That’s a big one.

Because in the end, ego only wants to keep us safe.

It’s just that sometimes, what feels “safe” is what keeps us stuck.

Kine:

As Thomas put it beautifully at the end:

“EQ therapy isn’t really a method — it’s a way of being in the world.

It’s about creating a warmer, more compassionate, and less judgmental society.”

And that’s what we believe in, too.

When we dare to be vulnerable, we naturally start to see each other more from the heart.

Paal:

That’s exactly what this podcast is about.

Learning to live from that place — where empathy replaces defense, and truth replaces performance.

Kine:

So, if you want a place to start, try this:

Find someone you trust — your partner, a friend — sit together and ask,

“How is it to be you today?”

Then just listen.

Don’t fix. Don’t advise. Just be there.

That simple act can change everything.

Paal:

We’ll continue this conversation in our next episode, where we’ll go even deeper into EQ and explore how emotional work like this can transform not only relationships but also the way we see ourselves.

Kine:

Thank you for joining us — and thank you to Thomas Myrseth for sharing so openly with us.

Remember: vulnerability isn’t weakness.

It’s the doorway to real connection.